Sep 05
2008
lou| Category: Uncategorized |
My nine year old beauty had a principal role in the school play this week. She had to sing a solo. This was a huge effort for a child who, not unlike her mother, continually questions her self worth and abilities. Seeing her up there on stage made me cry with pride.
Mouthing the words with her and praying she wouldn’t freak out when looking out to the 250 strong crowd, I’m not sure who was more nervous me or her. I would not have loved her any less if she had,I could never have done what she did at 9 or any age for that matter. I am so excited for her that she pushed through her fears and doubts and achieved what she did. So many parents congratulated her not knowing that there were a few nights when she was hysterical because it was all to hard. I am glad we pushed her a little and didn’t allow her to back out. At the time that seemed mean (especially when she was so upset) but how much better the result we have now. An increase in confidence and self worth forged by a little pain and much perseverance
I wondered today on reflection if this is how God feels when he looks down and sees one of his kids overcoming fear and insecurities. I wonder too if He gently pushes us towards things that may seem painful and hard but which in the end will see our character become strong and resilient and more like Him
And for that I thank Him. Without the past 3 years of yuck I would still have a faith that was based on a formula that some one else had taught me. I would not have a personal real relationship with Him and I would be living a life in bondage to the bright sparkly church world
Thanks for the little push, for the helping hand, the encouraging whispered words and for not giving up on me. I only hope as I stumble along trying to face my fears and doubts that You are as proud of me as I was of my little one this week
Aug 30
2008
lou| Category: Uncategorized |
For I while now we have been trying to be ethically and environmentally conscious when buying stuff. And quite frankly I am starting to get a little !@#)* off. For a number of reasons:
1) the stuff with the words ethical or environmentally friendly written on it costs 3 times the other stuff. Who can afford organic bananas at $15 a kilo when the other stalls in the market have the unorganic versions for $1.99.
You really cant tell me there is that much difference in the amount it costs to make the organic products
2) Organic and ethical chocolate tastes terrible not to mention it is about 6.00 a 250 gram block
3) I have bought the kids shoes, sock and undies that I know are ethically made and they simply dont last as long. Why is it that shoes made in a factory that I imagine has strict quality control fall to to bits after 1 month and those that were likley to be made by a child slave in china last 6 months
I was in Tas recently visiting family and friends an was reading the local paper and I must say it resonated with how I feel. Dont get me wrong I will continue to make decisions about what I buy responsibly but anyway one letter to the author was as follows
” I was recently watching the opening of the Olympic games and as I watched thousands of fireworks go off I threw another log on my meager fire and thought bugger my carbon footprint”
Aug 24
2008
lou| Category: Uncategorized |
We went to a church with high expectations this am. How wrong we were! It was the same old formula and the same old “fake gospel” that drives me nuts. The type that promises that God will always bless us if we stop winging, tithe and believe, and by blessing they mean financial abundance of course.
I am sad, disappointed and discouraged and desperate for some real Christians to hang out with.
Have we got it wrong? Is this really what God wants- a bunch a middle class people with their Sunday smiles on jumping and clapping and waving their hands and proclaiming this and that? Singing about dancing on injustice and being sold out for “Him” as they conclude their Sunday with an array of biscuits, chocolate and cake, coffee and drive back to their middle class homes feeling like they have done their bit for God this week
One of the leaders talked about partnering with someone this week. Yes my heart screams that is what I want what I have always wanted someone who is older and wiser who will listen to my struggles without using Christian platitudes or stupid prosperity nonsense who will simply love me, drink tea with me and read scripture with me. Trouble is I wouldnt “partner” with any of the makeup wearing seemingly bright shiny woman there. They are all smiles and kisses but I can hear the christianese flowing from their pores.
I am lost and confused. What to do? I want to go to church, I want to spend time with other believers but when I do I want to run away as soon as I get there. Should I suck it up and spend time with these people because at least it is someone? I ignored my heart before and if you have read any of my blog you can see where that got me.
Jul 11
2008
lou| Category: Uncategorized |
My God hear the cries of my heart as I hope and trust in you;
I hope that tomorrow will be brighter
I hope that sleep will come soon
I hope that my children will struggle less than me
I hope that I love you even a little as much as you love me
I hope that I do more good than bad
I hope that you forgive my deceitful lips
I hope that you forgive my weak, tired and mortal mind and body that is slow to learn, quick to judge and trusts not.
I hope that my words and actions don’t hurt those that I love
Help me to share the good news of Your love with those You send to me
Help me to love them unconditionally, seeing them as You see them
Help me to follow You and Your example in all that I do and take up my cross daily
I trust that You know the end from the beginning even when I cant see the road
I trust that You know what is best for me and my family
I trust that You never make mistakes and are always fair and just
Carry me Lord for my legs fail me and my eyes are closed, weary from squinting in the darkness of uncertainty and unbelief
Jul 11
2008
lou| Category: Uncategorized |
As a Speech Pathologist who works allot in resi care facilities part of my job entails swallowing assessments of patients who can no longer eat or drink safely.
On Wednesday I received an urgent call from one such place I go to every week.
A 78 year old lady who had been having swallowing difficulties for some time but was managing on thick fluids and puree solids was suddenly unable to swallow even her own saliva.
I walked into her room to find the entire family unit; husband, daughters and grandchildren all wide eyed and desperate for me to give them the news that it would be ok. On assessment I found this not to be the case.
Indeed the woman could not manage her own saliva and was spitting it into a hanky. The little bit that did make it down was clearly staying in her throat and making her cough and gag every 2 or so minutes.
I was faced with the ordeal of all alone (the RN having just abandoned me) telling this family, “Mary”, wife of 60 years, mother and grand mother could not eat and drink at all, knowing that in her notes was a direct order not to give her nutrition via artificial means. I asked her again if she wanted to go to hospital for artificial feeding. She shook her head. I explained that this meant she would simply fade away and die. She put her thumb up and smiled.
Looking around at the devastated faces with tears streaming down their cheeks. I felt like the grim reaper. The husband held her hand and whispered “where have all the years gone”
This family has stayed with me and their story effected me deeply. How quickly the years pass. How much of it have I wasted? Life here on earth is so fleeting.
Jun 25
2008
lou| Category: Uncategorized |
I have not made an entry for a while. Life has been nuts. Too much to do and not enough time.
Just as the heading says I want to right about my Christian living experience. In the past month I have.
Seen a baby be born. (one of the most spiritual experiences I have ever had)
Be threatened by a man that he was going to punch me in the head
Have spontaneous visitors that wouldn’t leave my house whist my husband was away and eventually had to throw them out at 1am in the morning
Pray with a dying and extremely distressed elderly person.
Chat with another old man about heaven and ensure him he was going there.
Had an anxiety attack and cried all the way to Til’s day carer’s house (on foot).
Dealt with issues with my kids I thought I would have to deal with when they were 13 or 14 not 6 and 8.
Had moments of great faith and moments of great doubt in God and what he wants me to be and do.
It has been a month where I feel like I have lived for and with God. Not perfect, busy and very stressful but all the same real life with real relationships and a chance to talk about Gods love for people and really impact their lives.
I have come to believe living life as a Christian is not bright and shiny and glossy but it is real, sometimes messy, sometimes heart breaking but always full of opportunity to share and walk life with others
I am glad I am living it this way
May 19
2008
lou| Category: Uncategorized |
where can I go that You are not?
When I am asleep You are there
When I wake and am cross You are there
When I forget to say good morning You are there
When I am rushing to get the kids to school, daycare and me to work You are there
As I rush about my work day You are there
As I sit alone and ponder life and its constant worries You are there
As I pick up the kids, walk the dog, get the tea, wash up, bath the kids, fold the clothes……… You are there.
As I fall asleep watching the TV You are there
You are there; watching, guiding, whispering,loving.
Always the same, always just, perfect, beautiful
Thank you that there is no where on this earth that I can be and you are not
even when I cant see you for the dark that surrounds me.
May 19
2008
lou| Category: Uncategorized |
Traveling home on the train last night my nine year old some how got on to the topic of ironing, with her grandmother.
She turned to me and said “mum what does ironing do?”
In response my mother in law nearly fell of her seat with laughter as she knows well that the iron does not venture out of the cupboard more than 2-3 times a year, a running joke in my family.
She was quite miffed when it was explained to her that why we were laughing and exclaimed ” I do know what an iron is I’ve seen them on TV.
Apr 17
2008
lou| Category: Uncategorized |
My therapist asked me yesterday why it took me so long to get help when I new something was wrong for a long time. I told her I didn’t know but have reflected on this today.
The answer is that I subscribed to the fairly commonly held belief that if I believed hard enough and prayed about it enough then Jesus would come and magically my anxiety and sadness would disappear.
I sought the council of others from within the established modern church who confirmed this belief. It was all about convincing myself that Jesus is the way to a happy perfect life and eventually it would happen. If I sing about being joyful eventually I will be.
Not so. His words never promise that, the opposite in some cases in fact But it is what I was taught from being a baby Christian. So the trouble is I struggle now with who Jesus actually is, what he actually promises and how does that affect my life in the here and now.
I do not doubt that his death and resurrection mean I have been forgiven of my sin and can live in heaven with Him one day
What I do not know is what do I do in the mean time. How do I interact with Jesus and He with me.
What is appropriate to pray and what is just based on the doggy belief that He is a mister fix it here to make my new life all plain sailing?
Once I thought I new how to hear His voice, no I know I don’t.
Any ideas?
Apr 17
2008
lou| Category: Uncategorized |
I long to feel You wrap Your arms around me, to hear your voice
but my mind drifts to doubts and fears of loss and loneliness
I try to be convinced of Your promises and Your love
But I remain cynical and confused
What is this perfect love?
Where do You start and the peddlers of religion finish?
why do You whisper and hide when the world shouts and hits me in the face?
I am sick of things hoped for and things unseen yet it is the foundation of faith.
I struggle to sit and be still, to quiet my mind that shouts abuse at all that I believe
I am here waiting-where are You?
