Not As Much..

I believe He can but not that He will but he might?

lou| Category: Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Our 4 year old daughter has epilepsy which is proving difficult to get under control. When she has one fit she will have at least 5 but the last few times it has been a cluster of 13. It is horrible for her and very disrupting to our family as Matt or I have to take days at a time off work to be with her till they stop. And when I dont work I dont get paid.

To top it off her behavior is out of control and we dont know what to do about it. 

I lay awake till the wee hours of the morning thinking about this and about Gods ability to heal or not. I heard someone say the other day that you must have 100% faith to be healed. I dont believe that for a second. Trouble is I am not really sure what I do believe. I do believe that He can and does heal sickness. I just dont believe He necessarily will heal my Tilly even though I desperately want him to.

So instead I shall just continue to pray and try and trust in Him who know best

Woman’s Lib Sux

lou| Category: Uncategorized | 2 Comments

I heard some woman on Sunrise this am harping on about equal pay and woman in high paying exec roles in Aus and how it is less than men etc. etc.

I would like to have my say and that is as my title says woman’s lib sux well at least the having to go to work but does.

As readers of this blog know I have 3 little darlings and with them comes washing and cleaning and homework and reading and……and…. and…….. . As the saying goes a mothers work is never done.

When I was at the vets with our fur chidl(a 9 month old labradoodle) the other day I saw a sign that listed all the specialist jobs a vet does. I think the same pertains to mothers. I am head chef,dietician washer woman, first aide officer, tutor, psychologist, cleaner, hairdresser, policemen,umpire,head detective for lost things, bank that only does withdrawals and I am sure there are other things to add.

I am a jack of all trades and master of none. 

I also work for money 4 days a week. My days start mostly between 5.30 and 6.30am and end about 10.30 -11pm.  And most of the time I am too exhausted to care about what I look like or have any adult friendships

On top of this my job is fairly full on and I often council grieving families.

We pay an extraordinary amount a month in child care bills. Which we continue to pay even if my carer is on holidays or Tilly cant go. Tilly has epilepsy and the rule is if she has a seizure she has to be picked up straight away and then cant return till 24hrs post last seizure. So each day I go thinking I wonder if today I will be able to finish my work. I dont think child care is really set up to support those of us who work. I get good money so I come out ahead, but I wonder how those who don’t earn any money at all and so then what is the point

I don’t really care about equality in the workplace actually I don’t want to work at all! But I must so I do

Being a working mother sux, there is always more to do and no time to do it in. The house is always feral and I feel guilty about leaving the kids and the stuff they miss out on.

I long for the days when woman could stay home and be a mother and a wife. Don’t get me wrong I am glad we can vote and are no longer second class citizens and can work if we want. I just wish we could also not work if we didn’t want to

I also dont feel like mothering is valued anymore. When my oldest turned 1 people around me were shocked and horrified that I wasn’t returning to work.

Sorry if this sounds like winging but I am really @#$% off with the system that says it wants woman to be equal but when it comes down to it there is no real equality.

A statement of faith:

lou| Category: Uncategorized | 2 Comments

As deconstructed as my faith has become I still have foundational beliefs. This is the Nicene Creed and it is stuck up on our study wall and I read it most days and it encompasses those foundations.  I thought I would share.

I believe in one God the Father Almighty,

Maker of heaven and earth,

And of all things visible and invisible:

And in one Lord Jesus Christ, the only-begotten Son of God,

Begotten of his Father before all worlds,

God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God  

Begotten, not made,

Being of one substance with the Father,

By whom all things were made;

Who for us men, and for our salvation came down from heaven,

And was incarnate by the Holy Spirit of the Virgin Mary,

And was made man,

And was crucified also for us under Pontius Pilate.

He suffered and was buried,

And the third day he rose again according to the Scriptures,

And ascended into heaven,

And sits on the right hand of the Father.

And he shall come again with glory to judge both the quick and the dead:

Whose kingdom shall have no end.

And I believe in the Holy Spirit,

The Lord and giver of life,

Who proceeds from the Father and the Son,

Who with the Father and the Son together is worshipped and glorified,

Who spoke by the Prophets.

And I believe in the gathering of believers for fellowship 

I acknowledge one Baptism for the remission of sins.

And I look for the Resurrection of the dead,

And the life of the world to come.

Amen

Bad week great friends

lou| Category: Uncategorized | 2 Comments

I have had a crap week. On Tuesday morning I became totally overloaded with my life and fell in a heap. 

Why?

My house is a pig sty, my children are feral and I am so tired.  On Monday I had to work in the am and took my 4 year old with me. I rang a particular nursing home and let them know I was coming and bringing her. They said it was fine. Then after I left they rang my boss and complained about me bringing Tilly and other stuff I didn’t do. As a consequence my boss said I cant be paid for that client and I had to write an apology letter which made me feel like a right idiot. Gods quiet still voice seems to be eluding me and I dont know what is the right path for my life.

Anyway I hit rock bottom and just felt like giving up

I posted a please help me on a blog I am part of called rahabskitchen  and the response was fabulous people who dont know me at all, from all over the world  wrote words of encouragement and said they would pray. I have felt better since then so uplifted by their words was I. It was so authentic and beautiful I cried tears of relief and joy for finding them. There were no false Christian platitudes. It was so very nice to be able to share safely and feel loved  So thanks guys you have helped me

Also as usual my lovely hubby hugged and appreciated me like only he can. He always has kind and wise words to say.  He was Jesus with skin on for me that day.

So today,  although nothing has changed I feel quite at peace and calm

Christmas is driving me nuts!

lou| Category: Uncategorized | 2 Comments

I went into my local supermarket yesterday (a place I avoid as much as possible) and there taking up an entire isle was Christmas you know the tinsel and the lolly filled stockings and the decorations and lights etc etc….. They also had Christmas eviro bags the counter, its not even November yet!!!!!!

Have we gone mad? 

Wot ever happened to the simplicity of the stable and the awesomeness of The King being born as a innocent child- No wonder the bible tells us not to decorate trees.

Honestly if the kids wouldnt disown me I would cancel Christmas or am I just being a scrouge?

My baby girl is growing up and I feel sad and happy about it

lou| Category: Uncategorized | 1 Comment

As I sit here I am feeling like something is missing in my house. And the truth is it is. I put my 9 year old on a plane with her best friend this morning to visit my mum in Tassie for 4 days.  I just spoke to her and they are planning a mid night snack and are having a ball.

My mum was amused when giving them a treat of fish fingers and chips that they asked where were the veggies and then insisted on eating raw carrots.

I cant believe she is old enough to want to go away from me let alone do it! She even packed her own suitcase, after making sure the contents matched and there were 4 complete outfits.

Its hard to believe she will be 10 next year. It seems only yesterday that we brought her home from hospital a beautiful screaming bundle of joy (she spent much of the first 18 mths of her life crying and not sleeping !) She has really matured this year and although she has a few preteen hissies is becoming a generally sensible likeable young thing.

The world is a scary place and I worry about what the future holds for her and her 2 siblings. I hope and pray Matt and I are growing them up in a way that gives them good moral grounding and a desire to love God and others around them.

She has a good heart and cant bear it when she is not liked. I see so much of me in her. The good and the bad unfortunately. God help me to show her how to not be anxious but to lean on Him as I learn to do the same. I also pray He will give me the wisdom to keep the lines of communication open so she will always be able to tell me anything even the bad stuff (God forbid it happens)

Parents think the hardest part of parenting is 0-5 and I agree it is the most time consuming, but the closer my kids get to teenagers the more I think that these will be the hardest.  When they are little you have total control over every aspect of their lives. Once they hit school age years that becomes less and less until their peer group matters more than mum and dad.

Anyway I am sure she will return Friday even more mature and very much sugared out

I love Blogging

lou| Category: Uncategorized | 2 Comments

I never thought I would say that but there it is

I love being able to express my thoughts and feelings it is very therapeutic.

I love that I get to read others experiences and ideas and have my say.

And I have met two fantastic ladies Kel , who has offered so many encouraging words when I have been so down I couldn’t see which way was up and my new friend Sue whom I met online and then met in the flesh on Sunday. I felt an immediate connection with this woman and really enjoyed our some what manic first meeting with my three kids and dog tagging along and the wind playing havoc with our brains. I am very much looking forward to dinner and chilling out for our next meeting.

Thanks ladies for your friendship and thanks blogging for without this medium I would never have met them

A life changing experience

lou| Category: Uncategorized | 0 Comments

I have lived through a life changing experience this week end.

Previous to Saturday I had begun to leave behind the belief in the supernatural. That the things about the spirit realm I was taught as part of the modern contemporary pentecostal church was based in hyper faith.

I still am appalled by the hype and formula like way these churches respond to God how ever I see now that I don’t have to throw the baby out with the bath water.

I can not describe the specifics as it is an intimate part of some one else’s journey but I can say it involved the darkness of the demonic realm and the all powerful light filled authority of Jesus.

I could write a book on what I learned from this experience but here is the dot point version

• That as a follower of Christ I am called to set the captives free
• The spiritual gifts talked about in the bible are just as real and relevant today as they were when Jesus walked the earth and they must be use with Love.
• That there is a time for loud war like prayer and but there is also a time for quiet reflection and meditation. Like everything in life it is about balance and listening to the still small voice.
• That love really does cast out all fear.
• That there is real power in the name of Jesus.
• I love being there at the birth of some ones relationship with Christ and it is a real privilege.
• That God will use those who are willing to GO not because of their ability but for their willingness to just go.
• That He really is strong when I am weak
• God can not be put in a box and their is no formula that he responds to.
• The devil is a foul creature who, with his demons, is intent on destroying as many people as he can BUT he MUST and DOES submit to Jesus Christ.
• The church (or Body of Christ) in action is an alive and powerful group of people not defined by denomination, race,  monetary status, age or a building but instead a group of like minded people bound together by God’s love and a desire show people that love.
• God loves me just the way I am warts and all

I write this post as much for me as for others so that when the excitement fades and life returns to “normal” I can look back and remember these things and praise my God for his goodness and grace.

If you would like a more theological explanation of our experience check out Matt’s blog at  shmatt.com he is much more able to explains the details correctly than I.

God Speaks

lou| Category: Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Today my husband went to pray with a man who he thought he was going to “minister to”.  This man and his wife are a couple who we have begun to build relationship with but who we have not shared any intimate details of out lives with.

What happened blew me away so much that I had to write about it. As they were praying the mans wife said that she felt God tell her I had been hurt and rejected as a child and carried that hurt a long time, all true, and that this hurt was further compounded by being badly treated by people who were supposed to love and protect me, also true. She said that He (God) knew about my pain and that it would soon come to an end, that His love would restore me.

I am very skeptical of these types of prayers these days and if anyone who knew my story had said that to me I wouldn’t have believe that it was God speaking. But the thing is these two did not know anything and it the only way they could have is if God told them. 

I know that soon to God can seem and eternity to us and I am not so much focused on the over bit but (although I did ask how long the other day in a post ) I am just amazed that He spoke. I have been hiding from God all week, feeling annoyed lost and alone. If I was God I would not have been bothered with me. I would have put me in the to hard basket. Instead he chose someone who he knew I listen to and got them to speak to me.

He really is amazing he listens to the cry of your heart even when you are hiding it from him.

When will I trust again?

lou| Category: Uncategorized | 1 Comment

I had coffee yesterday with my man and a church leader who is in the movement we tenuously belong to or maybe for me it is better to say I have never officially left. He is a really nice guy who I can clearly see wants to help Matt and I. He has some understanding of our view on church and how this may look. I do believe he is genuine in wanting to have relationship with us. Trouble is I don’t trust him.

Not his fault. If the truth be known I don’t trust anyone. In fact if I am really truthful most of the time I don’t even trust God. As I said to this guy I filter everything people say through “but what do you really mean and what do you want from me”

Here is a real life example:

Last Friday was the kids school Trivia Night. I was going to sit with some women and then they decided that I was “so social I could sit any where” and they didn’t save me a seat.  Don’t get me wrong they weren’t being mean and I dont blame them at all. By the time I walked across the road to by house my stupid brain decided that these mums didn’t want me to be on their table, that I was not liked, so I didn’t go. I have since found out that there were 3 tables I could have sat at and that it was a great night.

I am sick of being broken, I am sick of fighting fear and sadness and anger and hurt. It is making me tired and sick and useless.  

Is this the cross I must daily take up? If so I don’t think I really want to carry it anymore, give it to someone who is strong and resilient and who will win in the end.  

How can the lost see Christ in me when I cant? 

The question I have is “How Long………?”