Not As Much..

When will I trust again?

I had coffee yesterday with my man and a church leader who is in the movement we tenuously belong to or maybe for me it is better to say I have never officially left. He is a really nice guy who I can clearly see wants to help Matt and I. He has some understanding of our view on church and how this may look. I do believe he is genuine in wanting to have relationship with us. Trouble is I don’t trust him.

Not his fault. If the truth be known I don’t trust anyone. In fact if I am really truthful most of the time I don’t even trust God. As I said to this guy I filter everything people say through “but what do you really mean and what do you want from me”

Here is a real life example:

Last Friday was the kids school Trivia Night. I was going to sit with some women and then they decided that I was “so social I could sit any where” and they didn’t save me a seat.  Don’t get me wrong they weren’t being mean and I dont blame them at all. By the time I walked across the road to by house my stupid brain decided that these mums didn’t want me to be on their table, that I was not liked, so I didn’t go. I have since found out that there were 3 tables I could have sat at and that it was a great night.

I am sick of being broken, I am sick of fighting fear and sadness and anger and hurt. It is making me tired and sick and useless.  

Is this the cross I must daily take up? If so I don’t think I really want to carry it anymore, give it to someone who is strong and resilient and who will win in the end.  

How can the lost see Christ in me when I cant? 

The question I have is “How Long………?”

RSS Trackback URL 18. September 2008 (14:59)
Filed under: Uncategorized